Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
