brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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