I need help removing her.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
