and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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