the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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