Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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