The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
