you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
