btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't put those talents on a resume
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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