I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Randomize
