walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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