your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
