i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
