Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
