I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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