she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
