My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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