it's too hot outside to masturbate.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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