yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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