Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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