I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
