i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
