you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
