What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The uberlube is also flammable
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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