On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
