Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
