my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
