how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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