I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
