onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
