I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
