I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
