I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
