i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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