you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
