Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
