You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
where are you?
Hypothermia
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This is my gift to your gina
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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