I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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