I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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