Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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