I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
