Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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