Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
