We won't sleep together?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
