He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
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Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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