Need sex. Gaining weight.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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