There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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