My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
