You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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