if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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