i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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