I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
