My nipple is on Facebook.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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