They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
did i just pee glitter
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
