Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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