im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
