The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
