$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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