It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
