I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Randomize
