currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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