last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
