im about as happy as oj after his trial
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
