Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
